Monday, January 3, 2011

pulls the pieces from the sand

I pray tonight brings that sleep which, uninterrupted, results in a sense of well-rested calm and focus. I took a step away from my present work for a few weeks, knowing the holidays would be a distraction, and now I find myself too far afield from where I need to be and the journey back is frustrating and I am overwhelmed and anxious. I know I have so much to do and so little time and I spend so long worrying about it that I get next to nothing accomplished, thus compounding my anxiety about how much yet remains undone. A wicked, vicious cycle, truly. I consequently cannot sleep through the night, but instead wake up drenched head-to-toe in sweat around 3-4am, after which my only options have been to read Augustine and Plato and to scour Webmd for evidence that my night sweats are only the result of my medications and my anxiety and not a symptom of some rare and fatal disease. "I love being me," he said sardonically.

Regarding that present work, I finally approached the Troilus and Criseyde materials again today, and was, though not surprised, disheartened to find only a few weeks away from my readings and research was still long enough to really sever my mind from the project altogether. I'm looking at all these scattered notes and articles and musings and wondering, "why did I highlight this?" and "what the hell does that mean?". But I knew it would be this bad so at least I've started the project of gathering the pieces to reassemble and, hopefully, complete the puzzle this time around.

*I must note, I have not kept a journal/blog in a very long time, I have done little casual writing the past few years, and thus my diction is pedantic and my metaphors atrocious when not downright silly. But I have to start writing again somewhere or I'll never improve, so instead of being ashamed of my shortcomings, I embrace this opportunity to redevelop a voice I have not used for years.

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